


Dear Eddie...

by insanity_el



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Angst and Feels, Canonical Character Death, Eddie Kaspbrak Deserves Better, Fanfiction, Gen, Heavy Angst, Horror, I Tried, I Will Go Down With This Ship, IT Chapter Two Spoilers, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, M/M, Movie: IT Chapter Two (2019), Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Post-Pennywise (IT), Reddie, Richie Tozier Flirts, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier is a Mess, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-15 08:11:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21250211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insanity_el/pseuds/insanity_el
Summary: in which Richie Tozier finally confesses his feelings to Eddie, through both letters and visitation.





	Dear Eddie...

**Two weeks**. It had been two whole weeks before Richie Tozier was able to work up the courage to visit the grave of Eddie Kaspbrak. In those two weeks, he had felt more pain and misery than he could ever imagine. Every single night, the trashmouth was plagued with nightmares of that horrible day, the sight of Eddie being impaled always being the main subject of it. 

_Is this how Stan felt_, he thought to himself every now and then, _before he took his own life? _He couldn’t just end it all to be with Eddie, as ideal as that sounded. Oh, Eddie... How he would scold Richie so if he showed up in the afterlife any time soon. 

  
  
Putting it nicely, Richie looked like shit. He certainly appeared far more tired than usual, his eyes baggy while darkening circles traced the area around it. It was no secret that Derry’s trashmouth was having a rough time coping with the death of his best friend, having hidden himself away in his house and cancelled any further comedy gigs for the time being. Even the remaining Losers had tried to get him to open up again, wanting nothing more than to help their best friend. “I’m fine,” he would insist in a rather monotone voice, pushing a fake smile onto his lips. He was Richie fucking Tozier, and Richie fucking Tozier doesn’t get sad — right? At least, that’s what everyone else had seen during his childhood. God, his childhood... So shitty, yet hardly anybody knew about the true hardships he had been through. He always used his annoying humor to help him cope, but deep down, he was hurting — but he didn’t open himself up to many people. Usually the Losers would be the only group of people he went to, but this was harder than anything else he’s ever been through. Why? Well, because Richie was quite in love with Eddie Kaspbrak. 

Now here he is, two weeks later, taking a cab to the graveyard. He had a letter all written out to read off to Eddie because even if he wasn’t physically there beside him, Richie knew he was listening somewhere out there. His leg rapidly bounced up and down in a nervous manner as he sat in the back of the cab, staring out the window, reserved and far more quiet than usual.  
  
A pit of anxiety slowly filled the pit of his stomach while his heart began to thump a little harder in his chest as he saw the graveyard just yards away, his palms even growing clammy. He nearly told the driver to stop purely out of anxiety, but he needed to do this one day or another and he knew that, so he kept his mouth shut. The thought of what Eddie might've said if he backed out was a rather bittersweet thought, one that brought a faint saddened smile onto his lips. _Richard Tozier, if you don't get your fucking ass over here, I will personally beat it_. He had to do this. He was stronger than the urge to back out would ever be; I mean, shit, he helped kill a clown when he was thirteen and killed a man only two and a half weeks ago.

As the cab pulled up to the graveyard, the air between them was tense as the normally comedic male merely gave a somber smile and a soft, "Thank you." He stepped out and shut the door, turning to face the gates of the graveyard. He began to walk over to Eddie's grave, taking in slow yet deep breaths to keep himself calm, otherwise he just might break down. It didn't take him very long to find at all, but when he did, he swallowed down the harsh lump that formed in his throat. This really was the only way he'd ever get to see that annoying little germaphobe he had grown to care so deeply for, and that hurt like hell to realize. 

Sitting down criss-cross, he just stared at the headstone for a while, trying to think of exactly what to say. He was alone, so it wouldn't feel so strange to speak out loud.

"Hey, Eds," he finally said, his voice wavering slightly. He cleared this throat to try and rid his voice of such tension, swallowing thickly for a third time. "Gosh, you'd be scolding me for calling you that right now..." Richie looked down at the folded letter in his hands, exhaling a shaky breath. "I, uh... I wrote you this letter for you just after you died. It's got everything I should've said to you written in it, and I really regret never telling you these things, but I just... _couldn't_." Richie removed his glasses and set the letter down, rubbing at his eyes for a few seconds to rid his eyes of the tears that were beginning to cloud his vision. The man took in a sharp breath and then put his glasses back on, clearing his throat again. "I, uh... Let me read it to you." After carefully unfolding the paper, the raven-haired man adjusted his glasses before beginning to read aloud. "Dear Eddie..."

_I wanted to save you. They wouldn't let me go, but I wanted to save you, and I'm so sorry that I couldn't. Going to your funeral yesterday was really, really hard for me, but I made it and I hope you're proud of me for that. I visited that stupid 'kissing bridge' again after you passed, and it made me remember something: I never got the chance to tell you something. I carved our initials into that bridge, you know, because... Well, fuck it -- because I love you. I have always loved you, but I never said anything because that stuff wasn't accepted at the time, and then we just sorta... fell off, and you got married to some fat woman who reminded you of your mother. There's a reason why I never got married and never actually looked for love, and this is why. I'm a little late now, but god, the things I would do to get to hold you even just one last time and tell you this in person. Hell, I'm still going to tell you, but it still won't be the same because you aren't actually here anymore and there's nothing I can do to bring you back. You (and the Losers, of course) really were what kept me sane through our childhood, with me having to go through a shitty home life and get yelled at by Bowers a couple hundred times or two... and even through all the shit him and his goons put us through, even after all the things they've ever said or done, you still stuck by my side and never left. Watching you die over and over in my dreams every single night is really fucking hard for me, because it's torture watching the man I love get impaled time and time again. I wish I could promise you that I'll move on and find somebody new, and I wish I could promise to you that I won't at least think about doing something stupid and that I'll be strong, but the least I can do is say that I'll try. I wish I could've gotten to dance with you at our senior prom, and I wish I had the balls to tell you these things sooner. Guess even Richie fucking Tozier gets scared too sometimes, huh...? I love you, Eddie, and I'll never forget you._

_With love,_

_Richie <3_

By the time he finished reading, he had to take off his glasses and just give himself some time to mourn, laying down on the ground just beside the headstone. Eddie wasn't really there because they were never able to recover his body, but he had a feeling that the man was still there with him somehow. 

"It should've been me," he whispered to nobody in particular, just staring off towards the ground with his vision far more blurred than normal due to the tears. "It should've..." He meant that when he said it, because he firmly believed that he should've been the one to die instead of Eddie. Eddie still had a wife and a couple more decades to live, with the potential of having children still being there, meanwhile Richie had nothing. He didn't have a wife (or a husband, at that) nor did he have that potential to have children because of the fact he was alone. Besides, he would die if it meant the other could live out the rest of his life the way he should've gotten to. "I'm so sorry..."


End file.
